Looking back

Found some stuff i wrote a while back, and just this week, among the contents of my phone.
Mostly rather bleak stuff.Not exactly the best of emotions.
Come to think of it, i must say i might not have been in the usual state when i jotted them down.
Heck.
Any of em somewhat good though, ya think?

Hopefully a tsunami a gayer musings henceforth will overshadow the meek tide of the past.
And so we wait.

***

Thoughts of 2009 (so far):

All man exist for a need, a want, a hunger, a filling.
Few are born with unbridled joy for which they crave not for more.
Most, exhaust a lifetime revolving their lives around a want of such purity;
unknowingly, become enslaved to an endless quest.
And others, wise;
retreat with quiet acceptance, therefore, finding the simplest joys of all.

Whereas I,
find not joy in me, but in you.
And a belief in 'us'.
And that, to me, is the want I've hungered, yearned for.
So i thank you, for the joy and love,
the lessons, you have brought into my life.
i love you.

____________________________________________________________________


Thoughts of 2008, not too long ago :
(different font sizes = different ramblings.)


You left footsteps to lead love the way and tiptoed to the corners of my heart.



Turn up the volume baby and we can sing our own love song.



You're a drug i can't get enough.
One taste and you've got me coming back for more.
Addicted, like a puppet on a string.
Come give me an overdose,
I'm not waking up tonight.
Give in to your sweet surrender.



When your safe cocoon comes crashing down,
and all you've known was but a lie,
know that I'll be here to break your fall,
and I'll kiss you for every tear you cry.



Can't you see?
You're the dream to hold on to.
A taste of heaven inviting.

In this realm of conspiracies,
don't you know?
You're the only truth i see.

My saviour,
My timekeeper.
I leave my all to you.



Asking me questions i don't know,
won't someone out there help me please?
I got lost along the way,
now I'm on the tracks,
waiting for someone to pick me up somehow.
I see the faces on the other side but
how do i get there?



i say i love you,
it's so easy to say i care.
i tell you i need you,
when the truth is you don't mean a thing.

Like the shadow you are,
you'd be gone and I'd never know.
That's how much you're worth.

I'd miss you some time,I'm sure
but we've gone too familiar baby,
thing is i need a change.

I know i love you,
but right now i just can't feel it.
I can't let you go,
i don't wanna be alone.

I don't mean to hurt you darling,
it's something i can't explain.
I need somebody.
It ain't you but still i can't let you go.
I don't wanna hurt you,
i just wanna be alone.

I'll just keep you on a string, till i find the answer.
what you don't know won't hurt you till the day,
the day my heart goes the right way.

I don't want to, I don't mean to.
I think i love you.
You don't mean nothing to me.
I think i love you, I think i do.

You cry as we sing the song we wrote back in a time where i had no doubts.
when i loved you.

Do i now?
I'm confused.

I'd still die for you darling,
I just don't love you.



And i know i have to fight to regain your love.
As we look through our faces from the past,
tears roll down your face.
you smiled and said it's cause you love me too much.

But i know,
I'm not the one you want.
It's the past you love.

I can tell you long for the time when we were more than friends.
The long rides on the carousel on a warm summer night.
I'd steal your candyfloss and our lips would meet under the stars.

A laugh and a kiss,
goodbye to the past.
We'd go home flushed from more than just summer heat.




I can't erase our memories.
every move reminds me of
what we used to be.

Can't turn on the radio,
it plays all our favourite songs,
the lyrics we'd sing along.

Desperation to kill desolation,
dejection of rejection;
Wish movies were a reality and
we'd have a happy ending.




Like an hour glass,
a timeless roundabout of hurt and confusion;
As your perfect angel turned 360',
a heart-break designed to make the heavens cry.

Happiness;
but a distant daydream,
a dim reflection of the past.

For all that we used to be,
for all that we are,
let go of your illusions.

I could be your sweetest downfall,
serenading our beautiful disaster.
Let me go,baby.

Just leave, please.




Love is but a broken mirage,
a make believe of the broken hearted.
tormenting;

Teardrops of sorrow,
so invitingly,
begging for caffeine rush,
living the temporary high,
recalling the final moments.

Tainted with regrets,
lose yourself in your memories and just
let go.

Rose petaled baths and
scented candles;
the perfect setting for a murder scene.
Drowning in your last breath,
escape into blissful oblivion.

"Oh don't go making a cheese ball out of it."

"Why are we talking about ..cheese?"Uncomprehending,Emily appears lost.

Mission accomplished.

Often, when silliness catches me unawares during conversations, i start spouting out made-up phrases that come to mind.Such a string of words casually spoken with familiar ease thrown into the conversation of say, history, does leave one to pause for a bit, quietly backtracking said conversation in mind in futile attempt to understand how it has come to,in this case, cheese balls.

I do so enjoy leaving dear Emily oh so befuddled.Bask in the look she gives,a mix of a certain degree of awe while struggling to comprehend my words before giving up in exasperation and feigning indifference and understanding instead.

I should switch other forms of entertainment.
I would.Really.
Once I find something that manages to deliver the same dose of nonsensical glee.

As it goes, goose aren't pickled for no reason.

One of those days.

Several times a year,an hour after school,somehow or other, i tend to find myself wandering back to my dusty spot at the payphone, go through the same routine of slotting a coin in and waiting for the cankering of coins as it is spitted back out just so i can repeat the whole arduous process(second time's the charm, so they say.) then proceed to listen to the drone of the dialling tone as i drum my fingers against the metal box.

Eventually, someone picks up the receiver, usually mom(after all, who harbours the greatest love of all?besides the fact that she's the only one with a license to drive.)

A typical conversation between us goes along these lines :

"Mi?"(Pronounced m-i-e, as opposed to the a more savoury 'mee'.I'd find it rather odd to sound as though i call upon my own mom as i would refer to myself.But that's a whole different story.)

"Wendee..?"A sort of cluelessness in her tone.

"You do know I'm still at school?...or apparently not."

[pause : usually takes approximately 2 seconds for realization to hit home.I should know, i counted.]

"Oh.Oh.I'm sorry!I forgot!I'll come right now!" Sounding more flabbergasted now.Much better.
"Thanks.I'd really really appreciate it, you wouldn't believe."

Some 10 minutes later,(Boy, they sure do come running!)

"How long have you been waiting?"
"Just about the time it takes for the 1000-odd students of this school to leave and the guard at the gate to rat off about how irksome and incompetent certain teachers of said school are.I'm certain i was appointed listener of the day due to the fact that my arms were completely loaded that I couldn't possibly pretend to rush off to anywhere since well,frankly,there wasn't much to run off to with much conviction anyhow."

I didn't say that, of course.poor woman's already looking guilty enough as it is.After all, she did rush out for me with hair slightly askew, not unlike bits a golden highlighted feathers.Not that i had the heart to tell her about that either.

If you're looking for me, I'll be waiting on the school steps.